Dadsplaining: Primaries

Quit fighting with someone you should care about! I'm trying to explain primaries!

All right Nonvoters, listen up. There's another election coming. Nonvoter 1, you know the score. Except now you can run around shouting like a lunatic. Go right ahead; you're no worse than the median volunteer. Nonvoter 2, you're a bit younger but bear with us here. It's a ritual that employs your dad, weird though it is.

Last time I had some thoughts for Nonvoter 1, all full of reflection about civic responsibility. But this time it's different.

This time it's a primary.

Of all the democratic rituals we grownups engage in, primaries are the dumbest. They're also, coincidentally, the most profitable for your dad.

See, the grownups have already organized themselves into animalistic tribes over how to boss each other around. It's a pretty simple question: elephant or donkey, this team or that. Not a lot of heavy thinking required.

But sometimes we fight over who will be the tribe leader. It's really silly; everyone already agrees on what we want to do. There's no real disagreement or difference in the end result.

So of course we fight harder over it. We're not sure what we disagree on, but we're sure going to pound the crap out of each other to sort it out. When you don't have a lot to fight about the fighting gets bad fast.

It's kind of like when you, Nonvoter 1, smack your brother in the head over getting too much attention from Mom (also, I saw that. I always see it. Your Dad sees all). You're stressed out and worried about who you are and whether we love you as much.

And that is silly. Of course we love you. You're the same special little dude you were before Nonvoter 2 came along. You think that he changed who you are, but he didn't.

Neither does voting.

Some people, particularly the sort who keep buzzing our house and calling us, think voting does change who you are. That it's about the heart and soul of the party or whatever. These people are crazy. A party is just a bunch of people who vote the same way. It doesn't say anything about you to vote Democrat. Or Republican (yes, I will love you even if you vote Republican).

Voting doesn't make you a good or bad person. Politics can drive you crazy, but it's not going to make you good or bad either.

That's not how it works.

Voting is just saying what you want. Maybe you want good things or bad things, but voting isn't going to change that. And there are any number of better ways than elections to express your values.

So enjoy the touchscreen, boys. Your dad will probably mutter bad words if crazy people give him cards telling him how to vote. We'll talk about why some other time.

For now, just remember: we're doing this because we want to, not to be good people.