Conference Calls

Tough crowd!

Everybody's a critic, et cetera, but this is a very good question! Much like conference calls in any other profession, campaign calls are 1) a show of commitment and 2) a colossal waste of time. They exist to force consultants to regularly confirm that we are still around and care very deeply about winning the election, even if we don't care that deeply at all or if our caring has dropped off a bit because our invoices haven't been paid. On the other hand, diapers. Or nap time, or snack time, or Nonvoter just plain bored time. So you have to employ a few tricks to change that diaper during the call.

First of all, the phone has voices and a glowing screen and its buttons go beep. That's baby crack. You're going to need at least an awesome a toy to distract the Nonvoter for the duration of the call. And holding it against your head is a bad idea: kisses and raspberries are a premium tool to keep the kid quiet and you don't want him to grab the phone while deploying them. Keep it in your back pocket, or some place similarly out of sight and reach.

The best way to do it is to get your part out of the way up front. If your turn to talk is later it could actually come up at any time because of other consultants flaking or going faster than you expect. And you don't want to race the clock or have to lurch for the mute button with your hands covered in shit. So ask if you can go first because something is pressing, you have to jump off later, whatever. This usually works because no one, NO ONE, wants to go first on the call. Then when you're done be sure to ask "any questions?" twice. You ask twice because no one is paying attention, but we all kind of tune into long pauses so everyone will hear you the second time (and also not pay attention). Will they have questions later? Sure, but fuck it, you already asked and you have pressing consultant shit to do. Like changing diapers.

If you missed that or someone else thought of that first there's still a backup plan. Most campaigns inevitably talk about fundraising on their calls, because the candidate isn't doing call time. So the manager will inevitably beg the consultants for advice on how to raise money. This is a a pointless waste of time so any questions thrown your way will be dumb and you can feel free to just ignore them. If you're lucky the candidate himself will be on and it will drag on even longer:

(Someone): So how's the money doing?

Candidate: I'm doing everything I can and I'm always on the phone, ALWAYS!

(Pause as everyone tastefully does not admit they do not believe this in the slightest)

(Someone): Well you could try calling...

Then hopefully everything wraps up with the team none the wiser that you've been focused more on applying coconut oil to your offsping's genitals than on the getting the endorsement of the committeeman of stumblebum nowhere, or whatever.

Diaper CHANGED, commitment to the cause AFFIRMED, value ADDED.

You're welcome.